In my days, in the 1700s, we could always cure that affliction by doing something clever like stepping outside the cabin, even in the dead of winter, and finding the nearest bear to wrestle. Unfortunately, I fear that this is not an option you moderns may be able to avail yourselves of —primarily because you do not have the frontierperson’s skills, strength, or quickness of moves to survive very long in a matchup with a gargantuan beast.
So, let’s just take that suggestion off the table and consider another idea. If you’re bored out of your gourd, what I would propose instead is adopting a more creative approach to this problem than sitting around and stockpiling hundreds of rolls of toilet paper in your living room (which is not only pointless and mean-spirited, it also annoys your family members who won’t be able to watch Wheel of Fortune with all the TP rolls in the way).
Here, then, dear readers, are Ben Franklin’s new Top Ten indoor activities for making it through these challenging Quarantine Times:
2. Learn a new hobby. A few examples include yodeling, painting ceiling frescoes, building a full-size clipper ship in your basement, raising dust bunnies, designing indoor water parks, or branding livestock (you could practice on your cats, dogs, or other household pets).
4. Experiment with foreign cuisines. Wondering what to cook for dinner? Go outside your comfort zone and try recipes from other cultures — Antarctic Reindeer Soufflé; Easter Island Eggdrop Soup; Hawaiian Poi Helper; and Pennsylvania Dutch Mayonnaise Surprise.
5. Build a geodesic dome using Legos. When finished, the dome could serve as a sauna, sweat lodge, or auxiliary man cave.
6. Hold a feline or canine rodeo. This activity works best if your household has one of the larger breeds like Great Danes, Newfoundlands, St. Bernards, Maine Coons, or Norwegian Forest Cats. Otherwise, roping and riding events might be somewhat challenging. (Also be sure to check with your local ASPCA first, to assure that animals will not be harmed in the process).
7. Create a home brewery or winery. This way, you won’t have to keep running out to the local liquor store and restocking your bar when the quarantine drags on longer than expected. One caution: when stomping the grapes indoors, do not attempt this anywhere near white Berber carpeting.
8. Open a personal art gallery. Designate a room where you can tack up a variety of objects of art. Even if you’re not artistically inclined, you can find these sorts of objects around the house and turn them into creative masterpieces (for example, a paper grocery bag spattered with leaked hamburger juices; a toilet bowl cleaning brush; a pair of beat-up old sneakers; a poster print of your favorite NFL quarterback.)
9. Sing or dance on your porch. Just as the people of Italy entertained themselves by singing from their balconies, you too can be a Hollywood star, and you don’t even have to appear on The Voice or American Idol. Either a front porch or a back porch will do — and if neither of these is available, singing from your fire escape or open window is perfectly acceptable (although dancing in your window could get a little dicey).
10. Attempt indoor kite flying. This is a particular favorite of mine — of course! You’ll need some extremely high-powered fans or air conditioners, an especially high cathedral ceiling, and no valuables or breakables in the near vicinity. Warning: do not try to duplicate my own kite & lightning experiment whilst doing this; otherwise, a trip to the already overcrowded emergency room may be required. (They’ll probably turn you away anyway, because of the quarantine).
If you have any ideas of your own, please feel free to share them.
Your humble servant,
B.Franklin