After applying on-line (now, that was a challenge in itself, learning how to navigate those absurd, addle-brained computer application programs), I managed to obtain an interview with Mr. Hugh R. Kiddingme of the search firm Bodies R Us. Here’s how the conversation transpired:
Hugh: Thanks for coming in today, Mister… uh… Franklin?
Ben: My pleasure. My, you certainly have a large building here.
Hugh: Did you find your way here okay?
Ben: For the most part. Except, that is, for when I needed to ascend to the 17th floor. Climbing all those endless flights of stairs was a bit tiring.
Hugh: You didn’t take the elevator?
Ben: Elevator? What’s that?
Hugh: Ahem. (clears throat, doesn’t know how to respond). Well, then, Mr. Franklin, let’s get on to the interview.
Ben: Yes, certainly, let us proceed, by all means.
Hugh: This is a position for a website editor, writer, and project manager. Could you tell me a little about your background and qualifications?
Ben: Here’s a copy of my credentials (handing Hugh a long piece of yellowing parchment with old English print). As a very brief summary, I have been a typesetter, press operator, world-renowned writer, best-selling author, newspaper editor, scientist and statesman.
Hugh: Have you had any experience working with the web?
Ben: In my printshop in Philadelphia, I was always brushing away spider webs from the machinery. No matter how busy an enterprise you happen to be running, those pesky little critters will find ways to weave their silken traps in and around the printing presses.
Hugh: Have you ever used a computer keyboard?
Ben: I have played the harpsichord. That’s a keyboard instrument.
Hugh: Do you know about Google?
Ben: Are you referring to a Gaggle of geese? Or the Gobble of a turkey? Or the gagging, gasping Gurgle of a gush of dirty water emptying into a sewer pipe?
Hugh: Do you know how to do search engine optimization?
Ben: Yes, of course! You need a large search party consisting of sharp-eyed villagers, some flaming torches, and a few good bloodhounds.
Hugh: What do you do for stock photos?
Ben: My wife Deborah recommends boiling a chicken for about an hour, until the meat falls off the bones. The stock that results is excellent for soups, stews, gravy, and other recipes.
Hugh: When you have links, do you prefer opening up a new window?
Ben: I’m a very big believer in fresh air — I open the window every chance I get. In fact, John Adams can even tell you an amusing little anecdote about our debate over fresh air when we were rooming together on one occasion.
Hugh: Well, Mr. Franklin, it’s becoming quite obvious to me that while you appear to be very well educated, I don’t think there’s a good match between these job requirements and your particular qualifications.
Ben: May I ask, what is your main reservation about my background?
Hugh: Well, uh, ah, er... you’re just... too old!
Ben: Could I remind you that with age comes wisdom?
Hugh: Yes, but...
Ben: And experience only comes about by living a number of years?
Hugh: Uh huh. Sure. Ri-i-i-ight. Just how old are you, Mr. Franklin?
Ben: 313. I’ll be 314 next January.
Hugh: OMG. I’m afraid, Mr. Franklin, that you simply wouldn’t be able to keep up with the other team members.
Ben: Did I mention that I once swam three miles in the Thames River?
Hugh: Thank you for coming in, Mr. Franklin. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
And that’s how my interview went. Do you think I have a snowball-in-hell's chance at landing this job?
Your humble servant,
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